When we reflect we learn, When we push away what we don’t want to use without reflection it will chase us until we can no longer run, things we don’t learn from will revisit you repeating themselves in different people,place and things ( the lesson is the same the problem maybe slightly different.)
For many, some patterns never heal, they circulate on a continuous until it is displayed so evidently that they have to see
For some this never happens in life, a choice is made and heels dug in, the cycle is set to repeat. This happens through family stories too, we hold on to stories from ancestors long past with a vibration, with a belief, with a choice.
We make choices to see lessons, feel blessings or repeat. Each lesson always comes with a blessing so where we go with it ultimately is up to us. We create the vibration we choose to move upon and in that light we manifest everything that exists into being, we can choose where we are and where we want to be, we can choose to see only within the parameters of our situation or we can look outside the boarders and really begin to see
Seeing myself in this women, and it doesn’t make me smile, I remember now what it was I used to be. Too aggressive, short tampered and always in need of control. It wasn’t that I ever got any, but, fuck man.., what a show!
It’s funny because when I left this mess it was something I hoped, I’d never see again, but my mirror was held up for me to see all that was still broken inside of me.
They say when you are triggered you need to go deep and find out what needs to be healed but in this instance, with this “malicious” women my ego wouldn’t shut up, I couldn’t see, what I hadn’t learned. My ego by the way, is a big mother fucker and she sets shit aflame. I had alot of emotional baggage all at once but those who not listen shall feel, as the saying goes.
My ego is yelling the whole time and the conflict Im having with this women (or not having I should say) is not the only thing I have going on, or is it?..
My ego is something else because she created several different real life distractions to take me further away from the fact I don’t deal with my feelings, I have always started the process of getting mental health help but when life didn’t align (as it never does), I’d give up, I would hear a voice , let’s be fair it was my mother’s telling me ” oh well, we all have choices ” and I’d just draw a blank, I lost myself trying to messure up to a women who suffered, had been hurt but let’s be honest also abused others too, was I also some reflection of this?
Well the truth is I already knew I had been, but jeeze this women ( not my mother but a women who I had considered a friend) has me swearing and coming well outside my peace, so what unhealed aspects has she been shinning back at me?
First I had to speak up and tell her how I felt, I was met with the most resistance, and and all I was trying to achieve was a place of being able to speak, be heard and understood ,but this seems like a common thing for me. I have always wanted to be understood, so I guess this situation was showing me that I lacked understanding,
I didn’t even understand me, I am constantly learning life and it seems to me that I am my greatest and most complicated lesson, I have a long way to go and my ego wasn’t down to admit it.
I was an earth sign teethered to the expectations of others, I was too heavy to fly so these expectations just dragged me through the mud. I had to let go , I had to be free.
I am supposed to be creative and carefree I should speak just how I feel, this is me in authenticy.
Im “big energy” but I know how to be kind while being real, or at least I thought so. I feel what others feel ,I have always done so with reletive ease , just recently I realized that alot of what I was feeling didn’t belong to me. These realizations come hard for me because what it means is that in order for me to take care of myself a certain level of autonomy was needed. My codependient ego was a blaze, and wild too because she had alot still hidden, shoot, I had alot of shadows to move through .
I came back home a month ago not wanting anyone to know I was back but this women and I had already begun a trauma bond she had a certain level of control over me and I let her have it, a dynamic developed with my mother, ( I told you about the shadow work right? , well this rabbit hole went deep).
Sister, Mother, Father, Son issues amoung some of the things my shadow self was facing, also how I dealt with different energy, this needed alot of retracing…Accountable me , taking all steps to healing was bombarded with every single issue that could hit me at once and alot of them were coming from conflict with the female energy around me, this aspect of me had taken some hard hits. Women would break my trust and blame me for their short comings as long as I can remember, I have always felt like I had to protect and take care of everyone around me but I’d do so at my own expense and then get pissed off when people didn’t match my care and go crazy,
I was paying attention to this this time, I was watching myself.
I’ve been taught my whole life not to trust myself by people who had something to hide, I grew into an angery volatile version of self that up until about two days ago I thought I had gotten over, I had not!
Even worse was that I had no trust in myself so my outlook on others was always the same, this “malicious ” women was in fact a hurt soul who was reflecting my ego directly back at me.
Today when I woke up trying to end my dealings with this hurt soul , I realized she no longer had control, I had to deal with her still but that part of me had awoken the issue wasn’t this women and her irratic but behavior but me and mine, healing was just on the horizon because while I had come far I still had a long way to go.
Today I drifted so far from myself, I felt on track before but speaking to you the other day reminded me of all my doubts.
You never encouraged what I wanted for me, but let’s be real mom, you never even wanted me. I remember as a teenager when I would scream this at you, but never really realized the truth in what I said.
You love me sure but you hate me too , its like my birth took something away from you, I mean who sends their child back to the man who she knows hits her, who sends their daughter back to abuse.
I made my bed though right…
I keep my mouth shut most of the time because my feelings will cause everything to ignite but what am I supposed to do mom, fuck it!, it’s so bad lately I barely sleep at night, still I shut up to avoid the fight .
Your lies, your life, your happiness all came at my expense and what’s that then?, you want to throw onto it, my hardships talking about how I’m lucky and blessed my child is alright, but what is it that you think keeps me awake at night?.
I don’t remember a mother’s love this much is true but mom, honestly the only approval I have looked for was from you…
that stops today, today I unfreeze today I say how it feels to be me, because you made me look crazy to cover your lies but my truths gonna come out now, Im sorry this story is mine.
I guess it’s to be expected a traumatized mind makes everything a little more traumatic. So taking a detour straight off course seems appropriate when telling my life story.
Bearing in mind that I have felt obligated to keep my mouth shut to protect a lie that was created, I think possibly even before my time. I found the strength to begin my story but the inner power starting that very thing has also inspired me to truly live the way I tell others to , to be mindful, loving and free.
This of course comes with it’s downsides, my person or one of my people does not want to pay consequence for their actions and that’s probably because they were a person set to blame from a very young age. They were hurt as a child and no one heard them , the truth of their story leads me down a very sad and personal pathway that I am not yet ready to share , so I push forward.
Love is what I keep learning , I find it in everything now, hearts in the sky, on the ground and all around me I see love. In a world full of hate I set an intention that many have called foolish but I now visibly see it shining through.
My experiences differ too, what used to be traumatic has now come to me in the form of lessons that I can see and appreciate. You know that feeling of Aceing that really tough exam, it’s better than that because it’s real and it’s life and well if I’m to be honest I’m quite lucky to be alive.
My story has lead me to myself, while I continue to take steps to telling it , I find myself also moving more fluidly, still honestly but with alot more heart. I want to be understood the same as I have always but, the underlying undstanding of why is present now too.
Through traveling back into a painful past I was able to gain insight into people I love well who were hurt as children the same way I was. Without the opportunity to work through their issues in the way I have found they have lived in what I am sure is a painful limbo, that I wouldn’t wish on my wort enemy. Traveling through pain has lead me to forgiveness and forgiveness has lead me right back to my intentions of love.
Healing happens in unexpected ways sometimes all the different ways you can go inside and find yourself, be the one to understand yourself will lead you to a place so blisfull that you will be able to truly understand and find self love. This place for me lead me to forgiveness for a life that I once felt unfair, this is the place where I live in gratitude and acceptance and that is the best place I think I can be.
On repeat the lyrics to free mind run through mine, I can’t even seem to touch the idea of the story I was telling and that is also mine.
I can’t shake the feeling that everything I’m doing now has changed me to a person I barely even know. Its depressing but I cant stop the growth I’m saying goodbye to who I used to be.
All my messy thinking coming out without any breaks , until I realize I’m living in fear. I have jumbled thoughts from a jumbled mind fuck I’m re -learning how to breath. Its just that healings easier when trauma stops but that all seems to be without any sign of date when it will cease.
My mind feels well one day and a mess the next and I feel like all the progress is for the outer world because my inner world is a god damn mess. Sometimes I want to tell someone how I feel but, my feelings always seem to cause me later regret.
So I go inward for healing for the solace to continue telling my story but some other aspect of my past keeps coming back to bite me. A man who can’t let go of false feelings here a women who imagines conflict with me there its always the same lessons.
I practice self love in every way but I have yet to learn to forgive myself. I have in the past given myself to men in ways I wouldn’t, I have made myself less than I am. Today I find the spiritual strength to admit that my past mistakes dont make me who I am .
I find the love the little girl in children’s aid needed, I find the strength she no longer has to pretend to be it, I pick her up in my healing arms and raise her up because without her there’s no me and we are part of a future that requires both of us to play our part.
I’ve wanted to be loved appreciated and understood for as long as I can remember. I can stand on a lie built to protect a family member I love from their own healing or I can speak my truth and heal from pain that was not of my causing. I will always tell the truth, it always sets us free.
I’ve never felt like anyone could love, care for or understand me and when I think they might I tend to push them away. I’m afraid of getting hurt so I keep my feelings to myself but in the end ,I end up settling and spending time with people who maybe dont see my worth.
The reality is if I think someone really see’s me is scares the heck out of me. I feel weird, awkward and unlovable and thats just the tip of the issue’s.
I’ve been healing for along time and felt more than ready to begin this journey of further healing discovery (and I know I am ),but the discovery has taken me deeper than I had ever thought and that can become painful when your story is like mine.
I will not skip ahead but I’m sure from the past two chapter’s you were able to glean abandonment issues on the horizon. Having two parents who found coping-mechanism such they did is not a point of pride for me and it was exactly the sort of thing that lead me to the sort of behavior that I have been trying to heal from for as long as I can remember.
I have come far but currently find myself preparing to take the next big leap of faith in feelings and healing. Forgiving both parents is easy enough, forgiving abusive past relationships has already been done, but now through writing the rest of this story the aime is to forgive myself, this process is a little more complicated and has taken the telling of my life to truly understand how many layers of trauma need to be attended to before this process can even be considered to be under way.
My story will be back in action, I am still on my journey living the chapters that will come ,creating the embodiment of healing that can serve as an influence to others going through strife and trauma to obtain healing to push forward with loving themselves enough to come up out of the dark places, I am still hear lending back a helping hand to those who may fall behind ,sometimes, because I too sometimes require a helping hand.
We are all human and we are all love originally, the objective with my writing is to remind us that even through the pain we can find beauty.
Chapter Two: The Mean old lady in the pretty house.
The day we left our sitters for care is not entirely clear, I won’t sit here and pretend I remember every last detail of my childhood but I certainly do remember enough of the feeling to know that this was one of the harder days in my life and it was one that re-wired how I thought and felt in every possible way.
The one thing that was exceptional however was that both my little sister and I were permitted to stay in the same foster home , something I would later discover is not often the case or at least not always, in this sense I felt lucky for the longest time because we were able to protect each other throughout our stay but the reality is I was a stressed out little girl protecting a 3 year old child from an abusive tyrant of a women who cared nothing for our well being.
This women locked my little sister in a closet for hours for which time I spent sitting outside said closet making a game out of it, would talk to us both with complete and utter hatred and on one very special snow day I got to spend some time outside in a blizzard with no shirt for having forgot to wear an undershirt. These things and some others went unreported and documented because how a young version of self viewed this situation was that what I had to say would only make things worse and if I was just a good girl and did what I was told we would get through this and my mom and dad would want us back, little me thought the situation was my fault and again things would happen in the coming years that would solidify this perception in ways that are still being reversed today.
The one thing that I do remember from this time was that the space we lived in was beautiful, it was an old country house out in the middle of nowhere and when we did keep this women content we were mostly free to roam around the land unsupervised, this came to be a steady dynamic for my sister and I , the two of us against the world and would be something I would become dependent on for much of my life.
Our time in care was split in two because we did get placed with family members mid way through our time in care before my mother reported one of them for growing marijuana which was not legal in the 1980’s and 90’s in Canada , I spent that Christmas in a group home with my little sister. No family came to see me not even my mother, who had filed the report preventing myself and my sister from spending that holiday with family.
This action I would later understand was not committed by a mentally well women and the hurt and addiction my mother sustained through life is something that I wish to clarify was not caused because she is a bad person but rather because she is an incredibly hurt person who has never felt heard or understood. As a child I did not understand this instead I understood that everything I came to appreciate and love would be taken away from me and not to get comfortable in the presence of love because it may not be there for long, this idea would be reaffirmed later and again and is still something that occasionally has to be worked on.
Trauma was repeatedly introduced into my thinking pattern as a young girl but I somehow remained oblivious to this very fact all the while events occurred that drastically and diversely would alter how I perceived the person that I truly was.
Moving around and being removed from loved one’s for a two year period changed how I felt about myself and my position as a big sister, a little girl who was previously free to explore who she was was now limited to the possibility’s of her self belief and this self belief was quickly diminishing. The only thing I was sure of at that point was that I had my little sister and she had me.
Our last night in care was spent eating pizza and watching the Simpson’s I was six years old and had been away from my mother for a very long time. This night would represent a night of hope and manipulation in my life, my foster mother gave myself and my sister a good night to remember her by before we would go back to our newly clean and pregnant mother and soon to be step father, this night would be how I would choose to remember my time in care for a very long time in fear of saying anything to upset my loved one’s for fear of being sent back to the mean old women in the beautiful home.
A continual Story of how tenacity can triumph over Adversity.
Chapter One: THE GOLDEN CHILD
My sad story starts like so many others, my sad story makes me want to cry.
I never want to live in the sadness because the sadness creates death, I make jokes when I am unhappy, I laugh when I want to cry but the truth is I am really this soft and when I am alone, I really do cry. I live in a weird kind of balance. I learn too quick with one thing and far too slow with the next. I am human, I am real flesh and bones, but I am also so much more. Its hard to tell a story without telling its sad parts and although I don’t wish to make you sad, I think its important that certain stories be told, I will look bad in a lot of this and so will others but for me it’s been a long time coming and I myself have learned the hard way that the truth does set us free. I will try to tell this story with as much tact and decorum as I possibly can but allow me to warn you that some parts of this story may be hard for some to digest, that’s life it is not all easy but its all real and truth. That’s me T is for Truth.
As a young girl I remember feeling like I was gold, I don’t know how else to explain it, I had golden hair in the summer and my mother used to describe me as good as gold. I translated that to mean I was in fact gold. (This can largely explain a whole period in which I hated gold and thought it to be ugly tacky and overrated but now I get ahead of myself). I used to understand I was alone; I mean not in the sad I’m lonely way but that I came into the world by myself, I also happened to have the understanding that I was very much not alone that all this busy world around me was outside of me and somehow also a part of me. I remember having an understanding that I was new to this plane of existence and that I had a lot to learn. Magic was a very real thing before I was five, because once I was five the whole world was going to change again in some big and hard ways but before that time I lived in magic, I was magic, and this was all acceptable the golden magic child was at her finest and truest self.
It’s weird to think back to a time when the purest form of self was still free to express herself sure lots went on that was terrifying enough but the reality is I had my roots or was at least beginning to develop them. I remember feeling supported by my surrounding unit of people, my mother and father got in mix up for sure as a direct response to addiction and self esteem issues that both had endured early on in their lives but they protected me, they loved me and they valued who I truly was and when they failed at these things I had a whole bunch of family members that would jump in to remind me that I was in fact the golden child.
Even at age of around three when my little sister entered the picture we were described as night and day. I always perceived this to mean that I was the sun that I was what was shinning golden upon our days, I never understood at that time that we were in fact one whole day and that these descriptive terms that I became so attached to would become some of the unhealthiest comforts I would come to establish in my early life. We had each other that was for sure, but I was unwittingly merging with this other little girl (with two empaths going through real life trauma this is not so difficult to achieve). Children endure trauma and siblings can become a support network this is a very common behavior so no one at this time would have thought anything about what was about to happen and what would continue to happen for many years to come. I fell head over heals in love with my sister and she for me and still we would continue a cycle of protection and trauma with each other because we were taught love by hurt/angry adults and as quickly as this particular comfort developed it would be taken away, my first memorable trauma (although I had seen a lot being raised by two drug addicted parents) would be loss, I would experience the loss of my of my parents, of my family of my security , of literally everything but my little sister at the age of five and no amount of violence and chaos that I had previously witnessed or endured would compare to this first major trauma, fear and doubt in everything were the end result in this situation and would pull back the reins on my ability to truly believe in myself. The fear of upsetting my family became so prevalent after my time in foster care that I would have nightmares as an older child of my mom becoming upset with me and revoking my daughter status and sending me back into the system to get lost. Without intention my trust in my family, in my roots and in myself was lost and to be honest this wouldn’t truly reappear in any real light until much later in life.
The golden Child would live on in my mothers eyes for a few years even after all this but to me she died the day I was removed from my baby sitters house in the late 1980’s , on that particular day The golden child became a protector of her little sister and an unwanted child of the system, damaged good’s unworthy of love, on that particular day self confidence and love would fly out the window and be replaced by a constant rain cloud of worry that no one could ever love her or want her. This very thought would be reaffirmed repeatedly in the next coming years but that is for a later chapter , for this Chapter we lay to rest the beloved golden child, the intelligent little girl, full of enquiry for life and love deep within, a protector in her own right but still a work in progress. For Chapter One ends the little girl who could and would change the world, her successor will tell a very different story, but that’s a story for chapter two….
Who I am and who I am intended to be scares the shit out of me. A sacred calling , calling out to me , seemingly clear one moment and lost the next , how can I explain something even I don’t understand?
Have you ever woke up and felt more lost? So lost that you felt you could never be found?, but then a part of you always loved to wander so getting lost seemed only natural.
One thing I have definitely figured out is that I am far from normal and the game plan has always resembled the same but what I’m dead tired of is this entire world filled up in pain. . …
Getting lost again , like I said , I play hide and seek, my souls journey certainly is not linear and it wasn’t designed for the meak, moving forward through layers of fear I shed all of my light, I’ve gained too much wisdom and found a peaceful way to fight.
So far from the person I once used to be , but something is missing from inside of me, my mind, body and soul keeps aging as I begin to grow old but something inside still feels young, naive , if I can still get lost inside my day, how can I hold a purpose so big and still find my way.
Or will I even manage to set out to do what I intend to do, my strength while impressive may not be enough.
These doubts upon acceptance that I put my faith in Creator’s touch but the feeling is fragile when the intention is blind trust.
I guess this last hit could go without saying, the next stage is more Ego shed so I guess,…Bring on the Pain!